Silent Night.

The last four or five hours of my life have been spent on a Twilight marathon. Never in my life have I wanted to kill myself more. I am pretty sure I've just been trying to avoid the thoughts that the person I love, is currently dancing and having a great time at her semi-formal with a different person that she loves more than I. It's killing me... By the way, suicide watch began again a couple of weeks ago. Wish me luck on not dying? thanks.

Dam, I Need to Update

Hey! Its like 6 months since my last post, and I feel awful about that. I'll just fill you in on my life right now, hope you can catch up to the crazy months I've had.
So anyway, it's now sophomore year for me. I have a girlfriend (yes, a GIRLfriend) whose not really a girlfriend, since she has a boyfriend at another school... Who I get really jealous of whenever I see or hear of them together. All but two of my classes completely suck, and I have no electives... I have tried to commit suicide four times in the past months. And, I'm learning how to play the bassoon. Questions? No? Yes? Maybe?
Feel free to ask anything... that's the only update I'm giving you :)

Gossip

Last two days=super gossip time. Not about me, about a girl in one of my classes. Here's the scene: I'm staying after school waiting for lacrosse practices with a few of my friends, and a girl, who isn't very liked among the school or in the group who was with me, comes over and asks if we think she is rude. Silence. Then, one of the girls burst out with "Yes you are!" and just kept going on about things people don't like about her and how mean she is. Now, I'm sitting there thinking she is completely right, but my views change the next day. She came up to me, forgetting I witnessed the scene and started telling me about what she said, then told me how she cried when she got home and the poem she wrote afterwards was really beautiful and sad. I made a mistake next, however. I told the other girl what she had just said to me, and she started making fun of her again, which made me feel even worse about the whole ordeal. I've been trying to avoid that girl, actually both of the girls, until this blows over...
So, now that our big topic is taken care of, I've got a couple others to go over. First, HOCKEY<3. The hockey team is on to the semi-finals of the championship! I'm so happy for them! I truly cannot wait until the next game, but its not until Thursday at 8 :( ...
Second, wind ensemble. I auditioned for a smaller group in the band, against two seniors, a junior, and a sophomore, who are all better than I am, and I tied with the junior beating the sophomore. But, I didn't make it in because the junior had seniority. So, I've decided I will audition for it next year and see how that works out for me ...
And finally, boys, boys, BOYS. Man, my heart just started beating so fast. So there's this one guy, in my history and science classes, who is one of the funniest, sweetest guys I've ever met in my entire life. When I first started talking to him, I definitely didn't feel like this in any way, but I really do now. I just never want to jump to conclusions and think he likes me, because I honestly am not sure. I have gotten little hints of him liking another girl, who is prettier and a hell of a lot funnier than me. But just the thought of them being together almost makes me want to cry. Have you ever had the feeling when someone walks in the room and your heart just stops for at least a second? That's the feeling I get when I see him. But I can't act on it because I just don't know... This is like tearing me apart :P I need help.

Again...Back to Reality, But Multiplied by 10

Well, let's start this ending of an awkward silence with a brief overview of my February "mid-winter" vacation. Monday: dance, then more dance. Tuesday: Stayed home all day. Wednesday: Stayed home all day. Thursday: (you guessed it) stayed home all day. Friday: Mall with my hockey buddy :D Saturday: dance, then home once again to do nothing. and finally, Sunday: stayed home, attempted to do homework, got bored, did not accomplish anything. So over all you can tell that that week, for lack of a better word, sucked. And now on to my week of "fun."
Monday: school 7-2, musical rehearsal 2-4, lacrosse practice 4-6, dance 6-7:30. Surprisingly it turns out that has been my best day so far this week! Everything was going perfectly that day, made everything on time and when I got home I got some much needed sleep because I was completely exhausted from moving all day. Now, Tuesday: school, LEO club, lax practice, getting new lax equipment Not too bad, not too bad at all. Actually it was kind of refreshing. LEO club was boring, practice was a piece of cake because we didn't run, and I got brand spanking new pads for the oh so pricey price of $500. I felt pretty bad about that... but only for a brief time. Now, let's move on to today. Wednesday: school, then practice. I know what your thinking, it's, "well, that's only two things, on Monday you were doing like 5," but you'd be wrong, oh so wrong. School was a breeze, but practice, how I regret eating like a pig all winter and never exercising. The beginning, super tough. From the push ups, to the sit ups, to the six inches and anything horrible you can think of all in the small time frame of 20 minutes, man, I couldn't feel my abs after all that crap. Middle of practice, easy enough, I do, however, have to get my head back in the game. I stopped less than half of the shots, a quarter of them at most, and those were the girls who don't know how to play's shots. :P So anyway, all in all my entire body is in pain while I wait for the Aspirin to kick in. Which means I should be getting some sleep, as much as I don't want to be.
~~~<3

Time Flies By

Oh man, how fast these past two weeks have gone by. Through hockey games, dance classes, and full days of school, I've been pretty busy. We have finally had a week in school without any snow days, I feel like we have gotten so much work done, which makes me happy, the quicker we get the work done the less there is towards the end of the year. Most of my classes are easy for a change and I am at a good place with all of my friends... Well, all but one anyway. He is an "ex" so I don't even know if you consider him a friend. One thing I do wish, however, is if I had more friends, one person in particular, but I might get into that later.
Hockey games have been fantastic lately! Especially last night's game. It was senior night, and they were playing for their conference's championship. If they won or tied the team they wouldn't have to be co-champions, and in the very last minutes of the game, they scored a goal and won it! I'm so happy for them. :)
Have you ever had one of those days when you just totally space out like all day? I had one of those today! It was terrible, people kept asking me if I was OK and I was like, oh... yea, just like totally spacing out o.0 Especially in history class. This one boy sat behind me which was weird because I had a dream about him the other night that made no sense whatsoever. But it was really awesome, and I wish that was real life! I thought it was until I went to school the next day and saw him, then realized it wasn't... which made me sad.
~~~<3

Out of Place

Out of place. I've always hated that feeling, the feeling like you just don't fit in. That's what I hate about SuperBowl parties. I go to the same one every year, and every year, I feel wrong. My parents friends all have kids, all those kids used to be my friends, until we grew up. They all got their own friends, and I got mine. It just so happens that all their friends include each other, while mine include none of them. So anyway, back to the party, I was having a pretty good time at first, then all her friends showed up... at once. There were like 10 people there I haven't talked to before in my life. I got so overwhelmed, I can take one or two people I don't know at a time, but 10, no thanks. I asked my mom to take me home early, and she did. Turns out she wasn't having a good time either, so we went home together and watched some movies, until it was time for bed.
Now that that night is all over I get to end it with a new episode of my favorite show, GLEE!!! I'm gonna get back to it now :)
--<3

Selfish

Selfish: (adj) caring only for oneself.
Do you ever feel like your selfish? Does that definition fit you sometimes? Well, it does for me. I use the word "I" too much. If every charity in the world got a dollar every time I used the that word while talking to people, the world would be a much much better place... People will tell me things about them and I always feel like I need to relate what theyre telling me to myself. Then I tell them exactly what I'm thinking and it's about me. I feel awful every time I do this but I can't help it. I've tried to stop, but it's really hard once your in the habit. So I've decided to give myself a one week challenge, I'm only going to use that word fifty times or less everyday for the rest of the week. And see how that works out, and during that time I can think more about others.
So next order of business, more f***ing snow -_(\ it's getting totally out of hand. Our last day of school is now June 20th as opposed to the 14th which is what it should have been if it weren't for all these storms attacking us up here. And every storm is always in the middle of the week, none on the weekends, or even on a Monday, they are always on either wednesday or thursday. So we always miss school and we're always going to have to make it up in the end of the year, except the seniors in the school of course, since they graduate before that time. However, I did here that they are going to move their grad date back a few days :)
I have to go help shovel now. Hooray...
---<3