Silent Night.

The last four or five hours of my life have been spent on a Twilight marathon. Never in my life have I wanted to kill myself more. I am pretty sure I've just been trying to avoid the thoughts that the person I love, is currently dancing and having a great time at her semi-formal with a different person that she loves more than I. It's killing me... By the way, suicide watch began again a couple of weeks ago. Wish me luck on not dying? thanks.

Dam, I Need to Update

Hey! Its like 6 months since my last post, and I feel awful about that. I'll just fill you in on my life right now, hope you can catch up to the crazy months I've had.
So anyway, it's now sophomore year for me. I have a girlfriend (yes, a GIRLfriend) whose not really a girlfriend, since she has a boyfriend at another school... Who I get really jealous of whenever I see or hear of them together. All but two of my classes completely suck, and I have no electives... I have tried to commit suicide four times in the past months. And, I'm learning how to play the bassoon. Questions? No? Yes? Maybe?
Feel free to ask anything... that's the only update I'm giving you :)

Gossip

Last two days=super gossip time. Not about me, about a girl in one of my classes. Here's the scene: I'm staying after school waiting for lacrosse practices with a few of my friends, and a girl, who isn't very liked among the school or in the group who was with me, comes over and asks if we think she is rude. Silence. Then, one of the girls burst out with "Yes you are!" and just kept going on about things people don't like about her and how mean she is. Now, I'm sitting there thinking she is completely right, but my views change the next day. She came up to me, forgetting I witnessed the scene and started telling me about what she said, then told me how she cried when she got home and the poem she wrote afterwards was really beautiful and sad. I made a mistake next, however. I told the other girl what she had just said to me, and she started making fun of her again, which made me feel even worse about the whole ordeal. I've been trying to avoid that girl, actually both of the girls, until this blows over...
So, now that our big topic is taken care of, I've got a couple others to go over. First, HOCKEY<3. The hockey team is on to the semi-finals of the championship! I'm so happy for them! I truly cannot wait until the next game, but its not until Thursday at 8 :( ...
Second, wind ensemble. I auditioned for a smaller group in the band, against two seniors, a junior, and a sophomore, who are all better than I am, and I tied with the junior beating the sophomore. But, I didn't make it in because the junior had seniority. So, I've decided I will audition for it next year and see how that works out for me ...
And finally, boys, boys, BOYS. Man, my heart just started beating so fast. So there's this one guy, in my history and science classes, who is one of the funniest, sweetest guys I've ever met in my entire life. When I first started talking to him, I definitely didn't feel like this in any way, but I really do now. I just never want to jump to conclusions and think he likes me, because I honestly am not sure. I have gotten little hints of him liking another girl, who is prettier and a hell of a lot funnier than me. But just the thought of them being together almost makes me want to cry. Have you ever had the feeling when someone walks in the room and your heart just stops for at least a second? That's the feeling I get when I see him. But I can't act on it because I just don't know... This is like tearing me apart :P I need help.

Again...Back to Reality, But Multiplied by 10

Well, let's start this ending of an awkward silence with a brief overview of my February "mid-winter" vacation. Monday: dance, then more dance. Tuesday: Stayed home all day. Wednesday: Stayed home all day. Thursday: (you guessed it) stayed home all day. Friday: Mall with my hockey buddy :D Saturday: dance, then home once again to do nothing. and finally, Sunday: stayed home, attempted to do homework, got bored, did not accomplish anything. So over all you can tell that that week, for lack of a better word, sucked. And now on to my week of "fun."
Monday: school 7-2, musical rehearsal 2-4, lacrosse practice 4-6, dance 6-7:30. Surprisingly it turns out that has been my best day so far this week! Everything was going perfectly that day, made everything on time and when I got home I got some much needed sleep because I was completely exhausted from moving all day. Now, Tuesday: school, LEO club, lax practice, getting new lax equipment Not too bad, not too bad at all. Actually it was kind of refreshing. LEO club was boring, practice was a piece of cake because we didn't run, and I got brand spanking new pads for the oh so pricey price of $500. I felt pretty bad about that... but only for a brief time. Now, let's move on to today. Wednesday: school, then practice. I know what your thinking, it's, "well, that's only two things, on Monday you were doing like 5," but you'd be wrong, oh so wrong. School was a breeze, but practice, how I regret eating like a pig all winter and never exercising. The beginning, super tough. From the push ups, to the sit ups, to the six inches and anything horrible you can think of all in the small time frame of 20 minutes, man, I couldn't feel my abs after all that crap. Middle of practice, easy enough, I do, however, have to get my head back in the game. I stopped less than half of the shots, a quarter of them at most, and those were the girls who don't know how to play's shots. :P So anyway, all in all my entire body is in pain while I wait for the Aspirin to kick in. Which means I should be getting some sleep, as much as I don't want to be.
~~~<3

Time Flies By

Oh man, how fast these past two weeks have gone by. Through hockey games, dance classes, and full days of school, I've been pretty busy. We have finally had a week in school without any snow days, I feel like we have gotten so much work done, which makes me happy, the quicker we get the work done the less there is towards the end of the year. Most of my classes are easy for a change and I am at a good place with all of my friends... Well, all but one anyway. He is an "ex" so I don't even know if you consider him a friend. One thing I do wish, however, is if I had more friends, one person in particular, but I might get into that later.
Hockey games have been fantastic lately! Especially last night's game. It was senior night, and they were playing for their conference's championship. If they won or tied the team they wouldn't have to be co-champions, and in the very last minutes of the game, they scored a goal and won it! I'm so happy for them. :)
Have you ever had one of those days when you just totally space out like all day? I had one of those today! It was terrible, people kept asking me if I was OK and I was like, oh... yea, just like totally spacing out o.0 Especially in history class. This one boy sat behind me which was weird because I had a dream about him the other night that made no sense whatsoever. But it was really awesome, and I wish that was real life! I thought it was until I went to school the next day and saw him, then realized it wasn't... which made me sad.
~~~<3

Out of Place

Out of place. I've always hated that feeling, the feeling like you just don't fit in. That's what I hate about SuperBowl parties. I go to the same one every year, and every year, I feel wrong. My parents friends all have kids, all those kids used to be my friends, until we grew up. They all got their own friends, and I got mine. It just so happens that all their friends include each other, while mine include none of them. So anyway, back to the party, I was having a pretty good time at first, then all her friends showed up... at once. There were like 10 people there I haven't talked to before in my life. I got so overwhelmed, I can take one or two people I don't know at a time, but 10, no thanks. I asked my mom to take me home early, and she did. Turns out she wasn't having a good time either, so we went home together and watched some movies, until it was time for bed.
Now that that night is all over I get to end it with a new episode of my favorite show, GLEE!!! I'm gonna get back to it now :)
--<3

Selfish

Selfish: (adj) caring only for oneself.
Do you ever feel like your selfish? Does that definition fit you sometimes? Well, it does for me. I use the word "I" too much. If every charity in the world got a dollar every time I used the that word while talking to people, the world would be a much much better place... People will tell me things about them and I always feel like I need to relate what theyre telling me to myself. Then I tell them exactly what I'm thinking and it's about me. I feel awful every time I do this but I can't help it. I've tried to stop, but it's really hard once your in the habit. So I've decided to give myself a one week challenge, I'm only going to use that word fifty times or less everyday for the rest of the week. And see how that works out, and during that time I can think more about others.
So next order of business, more f***ing snow -_(\ it's getting totally out of hand. Our last day of school is now June 20th as opposed to the 14th which is what it should have been if it weren't for all these storms attacking us up here. And every storm is always in the middle of the week, none on the weekends, or even on a Monday, they are always on either wednesday or thursday. So we always miss school and we're always going to have to make it up in the end of the year, except the seniors in the school of course, since they graduate before that time. However, I did here that they are going to move their grad date back a few days :)
I have to go help shovel now. Hooray...
---<3

Finally done

Midterms finished up on Wednesday. :) Just in time to get, yes, another snow day. This one I found quite unnecessary, we got about three inches, and it was cleared up by about 8 A.M. I would have been much happier with a delay or something. After-all, Thursday is the best day of the week, I mean how much better could no math, no Spanish, long history, and long band be??? There is nothing better that's the answer!
The tests haven't gone as well as I had hoped, so far anyways. 79% on my algebra one, 88% on history, and 92% on gym. I know your probably asking how we could have a gym mid-term, right? Well, our teacher decided we should have 50 questions on the game of badminton. There are so much more rules to this games than you would think. It's pretty ridiculous. Another one of the gym classes our teacher has, had an average of 57.4. That's so crazy, right?
Anyways, next thing, hockey of course. My new obsession/love. Our school team is so good this year. Undefeated in their devision, except for the game they tied our rivals which was absolutely terrible considering how much trashing I did in their favor the week before the game... They had a game against a school at the top of the division above us. A little unfair, don't you think? We lost, of course, but everyone, including the referee, told them that if they play like they did there against every other team in our division, they would win every one. :) My friend, let's call her my hockey buddy, has very strict parents and cannot go to the games with me anymore, which makes me sad. We wanted to go to a Bruin's game in April, she was going to ask her parents for the tickets for her birthday, but they decided it wasn't a good idea and said they would buy her an Xbox 360 instead, so they don't have to drive her around anymore ): It's absolutely terrible! I just hope they ease up a little by the time she becomes a senior and we become hockey Superfans. :)
Time to watch one of my favorite movies now, updates later!

One more..

Yet another snowday this week, today obviously. Postponing our midterms yet another day, thank goodness. I would have had my honors algebra two and honors physical science midterms today, my two hardest ones. So anymore time to study is better!!!
The entire hockey team is currently over my house because my parents decided to host the "spaghetti supper" the day before their biggest game of the year, against our rivalry. It is going to be a pretty intense game. I'm pretty sure about half the school is going, then not to mention half their school. It will be crazy there, no doubt!
Anyway, back to the team, they are so loud! But since you can hear them talk clearly, we hear everything they are saying and they are also HILARIOUS! This one kid, he's a senior, every time he needs something done for him, he gets one of the freshmen to do it. I'm pretty sure they hate that, but that pretty much initiation isn't it??? :) They are leaving pretty soon however, they have to be home "early" to sleep enough for the game. (Like that's really gonna happen)

Four Day weekend=sleep-less nights

Martin Lither King Jr. day means no school. So that's a wonderful three day weekend. Plus one snow day. Four day weekend. This all adds up to a fantastic body-clock freak-out. I typically sleep at midnight on weekends until about ten or eleven. I obviously cannot do that on school days, for I have to wake up at 5:30 AM. I've been laying in bed for over two hours. I've come to facts that I need a way to fall asleep and I haven't come up with anything quite yet... Any ideas? Anyone? Feel free to help me out. :)
Would you like to catch up on my life? If you care at all. Last time I told you about the musical at my school. Well, I guess auditions went great because you are officially looking at (metaphorically speaking) my schools newest tap dancer for our musical! I'm very excited. Rehearsals start Friday I think. I am almost positive there is only one tap song in the show. But I'm okay with that. I am only a freshman after-all. So this is fantastic.
You also know a little bit about my issues with my boyfriend. Well, it's over anyway. As of last Thursday. I'm pretty much cool with it by now, but I still don't really feel like talking to him, but he insists that we need to be best friends like the minute after. No, thanks. I was in a pretty bad mood the next day. But I didn't really want to tell anyone why. There is only like two people who know. But, seriously, how are you supposed to randomly just tell people you just broke up with your boyfriend? Kind of an odd way to start a conversation don't you think? Well, I do anyway.
On a better note, I had a dance competition last Saturday and I believe it went amazingly. I had two dances this year, the first time I have had more than just one and we nailed both of them! Golds in both. Plus, the judges freaked over one of them. They were smiling the whole time!!! After all this, my family and I (when I say family I mean my dad, mom, 2 of my uncles, 2 of my aunts, and two of my cousins) went out to eat at the same place we do every year. And it was delicious and super fun like every time with my family is.
On Sunday, a couple of my friends came over my house and we built a really adorable snowman! His hair was made out of a rotting banana peal (which smelled quite nasty I might add), we used black candy wrappers from chocolates I got this Christmas for his eyes and buttons. And of course we used sticks for his arms. After this, we had macaroni and cheese and played "old school" on my Nintendo 64 I found in my closet. We had a great time. It definitely added to my super fun weekend. Until I got to Monday.
Gotta love the day before mid-terms. Study, clean, shower, and facebook was my life on Monday, until I had a dance class. Which was certainly a fun break. Then, on the my current favorite show that's playing new episodes, Pretty Little Liars. I can officially say I am hooked on that show. :) And since it's 12:21 AM at the moment, I think it's about time to see if I can sleep again. Wish me luck!

The Show Must Go On

Today we had an info meeting at school on the spring musical this year! I am very excited. I know it's a musical, but I cannot sing. On the upside, there are roles for just dancers, LIKE ME!!! In case your wondering what this musical is, it's Chicago. Our school has done so many neat plays that all turned out wonderful in the end, so I'm sure this one will be just as good, if not better. So many of the upper class-men in my school are wonderful singers, dancers, and actors. I'm glad mot of those people are actually going for a larger role than just a dancer. Which I believe will just up my chances in getting a part, sometimes being a freshmen makes parts that upper class-men are going for difficult.
My first audition is THIS Friday, and Monday. I'm so nervous! Until today I didn't think I would do something like this. Guess it's time to start something new. My only major concern for this is it may just interfere with the beginning of my lacrosse season. I hope not. I just have to ask around and hope it all works out. Wish me luck for auditions! :)

Back to Reality

Thanks to my oldest brother and his four new college friends, I fell asleep around three A.M., just to wake up two and a half hours later to rush out the door and head to school, something I was clearly NOT looking forward to. My brother and his friends left even earlier than we did for their ski trip, so I would have assumed they would have gone to bed quite early, but they did not. They decided to spend their time watching late-night, pointless TV, and being as loud as they wanted to be. The only one in my house not bothered by that was my other brother, who claimed he slept like a baby, just without the waking up every couple of hours.
When I finally dragged myself out of bed at 5:45 AM, I rushed to get my outfit and make-up on, and throw my hair up in to a messy bun. When I got out of my room, I realized I still had just about twenty minutes until we left, which actually made me surprisingly angry, which I am unaware still why I had gotten so upset.
School started out quite average, English class first period, boring as ever with vocabulary and words of Charles Dickens I hardly understood. Science came next. If I hadn't mentioned it before, I HATE that class, with a burning passion. We did a dumb, and quite frankly, pointless laboratory, in which we had to run up a flight of stairs, which is not surprisingly very hard to do on low, morning energy. Of course, crazy Mr. J had lots of energy to go around. After this, it was time to head to another one of the classes I despise. Think you could guess what subject that would be? I find the answer to obviously be, Algebra. Honors Algebra II, to be exact. The whole class is practically stuff I do not understand and make simple mistakes all of the time. The only bright side to this class is that I sit next to one of my best friends, Kevin. He is hilarious, there is no such thing as being in a bad mood when you are with him. Finally, I got to experience lunchtime, once again with Kevin, and a couple of my other good friends Trevor and Ben (Just a heads up, I know most of my friends are boys). Soon after, I had my favorite class of all, history class. My teacher is amazing and nice, the class is fun and really funny, and the work is very simple. What more could you want in a class? Just following history, I had Spanish class. I'll tell you about that another time, it's a long, annoying, and just dumb story. Finally, and I do mean finally, I had band! The easiest thing of the day, just kicking back doing one of my favorite things with my best band buddy right next to me cracking jokes the whole time. Now what could be better?
The worst thing about Mondays, besides the lack of sleep and energy, homework. I seem to get the most of it on Mondays, most likely because it's the day I have most of my homework-giving classes. So as soon as I got home, I alternated between homework, and cleaning my room. When I decided I was done for the day I watched a little television until I could finally get to my weekly dance class. Those are always loads of fun, once you subtract the pain to your feet at least. But that adds to the joy :). Anyway, I think you have heard enough of everyday life from me for now, haven't you?

Is it Wrong?

Happy New Year everyone! To start this Big New Year off, I hung out with my best friend, helping her babysit her adorable little cousin. Soon after I got home, I had to go to my brother's hockey game... Well, I guess I didn't exactly have to, but I did go. They won because they didn't play against one of the better teams in their league. After, we had a nice family, home-cooked meal made by my mother. Soon after, everyone left to watch the hockey Winter Classic and someone else's home, and I wasn't too fond on making an appearance.
I decided to watch a movie, the one I had picked is named "A Little Princess." The film is pretty sad throughout the hour and a half. I decided to text my boyfriend and tell him about it, and as expected, he didn't care. I don't know why I expected anymore of him, but I did. Don't you think he would realize that he should care about things I care about? Do any guys? So this leads me into the question I've wanted to ask someone all day: Is it wrong to cry over your boyfriend everyday? I just wish I had more friends who were girls, with experience enough to help me out. I guess that's too much to ask for isn't it?